Movie Quoter Speech-o-Matic [TM]: Your Ready-Made Graduation Commencement Address
Posted on May 18, 2012 @ 10:40 am by Jerry Thornton
Students, faculty, parents, citizens of Rock Ridge [1]. Thank you for inviting me to speak today. I’m sure many of you are wondering why a nightclub comic who writes for a goofy Movie Quote-obsessed website was chosen to deliver this address. And that’s fair enough. While you may say I’m a clown, we can’t all be lion tamers. [2] A man’s got to know his limitations. [3] As the Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a Danish.’ [4] And on that note, my goal here today is to set you on the path to your future with some of what I’ve learned on my own journey.
You come here today at the end of your college careers. And while you’ll miss the times you’ve spent here, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. [5] Since I graduated, I’ve learned two incontrovertible facts. There is a God. And I’m not him. [6] In this life you don’t have to prove nothing to nobody but yourself. [7] Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. [8] Sure, it’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans. [9]
There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. [10]
A lot o’ people don’t realize what’s really going on. They view life as a bunch o’ unconnected incidents ‘n things. They don’t realize that there’s this, like, lattice o’ coincidence that lays on top o’ everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you’re thinkin’ about a plate o’ shrimp. Suddenly someone’ll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o’ shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin’ for one, either. It’s all part of a cosmic unconsciousness. [11] There’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. [12]
I’m sure a lot of you, as you leave school are uncertain about your future. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. [13] There isn’t nothin’ like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. [14] The saddest thing in life is wasted talent. [15]
But I’m here today to give you a message of hope. Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. [16] I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball. See your future, be your future. May, make, make it, make it. Make your future. [17]
Perhaps some of you don’t know what you’re going to do for a career now that you’re out of school. My advice is that you should look for a “dare to be great situation.” [18]. Don’t sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. Don’t sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. [19]
But if the almost two decades I’ve been out of school have taught me anything, it’s that making money is a good thing. Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any. [20] There’s no nobility in poverty anymore. [21] Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. [22]
Many of you will have children, and believe me, nothing you do in your life will be as rewarding as having a family. The only wealth in this world is children; more than all the money, power on earth. [23] A man doesn’t spend time with his family he can never be a real man. [24] Life’s only worth living if you’re being loved by a kid. [25]
America has its challenges, but it’s still the Land of Opportunity. The greatest country on Earth. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog. We’re mutts! But there’s no animal that’s more faithful, that’s more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. [26] We are a nation at war, but Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. [27] And we must be ready to face threats to our nation. Because those who come looking for trouble have never been much of a problem for those who are ready for it. I suppose it’s always been that way. [28] We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us. [29] Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. [30]
We’ve got many challenges in the years ahead as the world shrinks by the day. As many of you know, it’s a small world when you’ve got unbelievable tits. [31]. But we must work to solve our global problems. Because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. [32]
So in conclusion, thank you. Members of the graduating class, I have only one thing to say to you today. It’s a jungle out there. You gotta look out for number one. But don’t step in number two. And so, to all you graduates… as you go out into the world my advice to you is… don’t go! It’s rough out there. Move back with your parents! Let them worry about it!!! [33]
1. Blazing Saddles 2. Lawrence of Arabia 3. Dirty Harry 4. Caddyshack 5. Animal House 6 & 7. Rudy 8. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 9. Naked Gun 10. Teen Wolf 11. Repo Man 12. Star Wars 13. Fight Club 14. Scent of a Woman 15. A Bronx Tale 16. Shawshank Redemption 17. Caddyshack again 18 & 19. Say Anything 20. Boiler Room 21 & 22. Wall St. 23 & 24. Godfather Trilogy 25. Toy Story 2 26. Stripes 27. Patton 28. Road House 29. Rounders 30. LOTRs: The Two Towers 31. Kingpin 32. Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn 33. Back to School
@JerryThornton1
